Dear Fanfictioneers
by My Dear Professor McGonagall
Summary: "You all know the truth now, I am very scary when it comes to my children. I will end you." -Molly Weasley
1. Chapter 1

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I do not love anything or anyone besides power, my own extreme intelligence, and my prowess with magic. I don't have, nor have I ever had 'friends.' I always have and always will hate Mudbloods. I've never touched Bellatrix Lestrange, Minerva McGonagall, or Hermione Granger. I hate Harry Potter with every fiber of my being, and he is not my lovechild with Albus Dumbledore (Even _I_ wanted to die reading that one). These are solid facts, and so help me, if I see one more of these horrifying stories, I will see _you _thrown off the Astronomy Tower.

Sincerely,

The Dark Lord

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

LEAVE ME BE.

Sincerely,

Sirius Black

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I hate Potter. I hate everything about him, and I always will. I hate his friends, I hate his father, I hate his family with the Weasley girl, and I died during the Battle of Hogwarts. Get on with your lives.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

_Will_ you kindly leave me out of your bizarre lesbian daydreams? And leave Dumbledore alone!

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I miss you too.

Sincerely,

Fred Weasley

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Okay, look, I was _sixteen_, and I got jealous. I'm not a bad person, or chemically unbalanced, and I most certainly did not lose my marbles and join the Death Eaters. _Why do you all hate me so much?_

Sincerely,

Lavender Brown

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Good gracious, I hope you aren't really under the impression that I have fathered children with Minerva. She's a lovely woman, surely, but I'm not sure you heard the news about me. Here's a hint: I wear "a magnificently embroidered purple-and-gold dressing gown" on my average night in (OP22).

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Why—why do you keep trying to kill me?

Sincerely,

Arthur Weasley

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

If I see one more story about Sirius and me, I swear to—stop laughing, Snape!

Sincerely,

Remus Lupin

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I really don't know how much clearer I can be about this. I. Hate. Mudbloods. I hate them more than anything in the world. I might not have murdered anyone, but that doesn't make me a teddy bear. Write about me and Granger one more time. I dare you.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Good heavens. This is not "Law and Order: SVU." We didn't do any of the things to Harry that you seem to think we did, and you have horrifying imaginations. We bought him glasses, for goodness' sake. Clearly that shows some marginal ability on the attentiveness spectrum. Honestly.

Sincerely,

Vernon and Petunia Dursley

**~xoOox~**

* * *

><p>Hahahahaha it's three in the morning, can you tell? I completely got this idea from someone else, so if you read this and your story like this one is in my favorites, tell me. I'll credit you. I'll add more if I think of them, but for now it's just listed as "complete." If you have an idea, tell me.<p>

EDIT: I know who wrote the original letters that inspired me! HorcruxesandHallows, and the story's called "Dear Writers of Fanfiction."

Lucy


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I—what? Did my life not suck enough for you? Malfoy, of all people. That slimy greaseball? And Snape? Hello, _he hates me!_

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Bash me all you like, but I got the best girl in the series, so suck it.

Sincerely,

Ron Weasley

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

If I punch Ron in the face, will you drop this whole Malfoy thing and let me get on with my life? Also, _keep Snape away from me, damn it!_

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Even I think what you have to say on my personal life is going too far. What does that say about you? Time for a long, hard look in the mirror, my friends.

Sincerely,

Luna Lovegood

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

No, seriously, I don't want to be in Slytherin. Go away.

Sincerely,

Albus Severus Potter

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

You heard my name _once_ in the first book, and you've paired me with Harry Potter, Anthony Goldstein, Severus Snape, and Draco Malfoy? You never even knew me as a character! Go write your own story!

Sincerely,

Sally-Anne Perks

(The Girl Who Was Forgotten)

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

The only reason you know I exist is because of a freeze-frame from a JK documentary. Leave me alone.

Sincerely,

Su Li

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

No, I didn't have twins, triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets, or sextuplets (I'M A WOMAN, NOT A SHOWDOG FOR BREEDING). I had one son, and you should be grateful you have him, because if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't!

Sincerely,

Lily Evans Potter

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

For the love of Merlin, if I don't talk like Lucky the Lucky Charms Leprechaun in the books, you can bet I don't talk that way when the focus isn't on me, either.

Sincerely,

Seamus Finnigan

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Winky is not liking Kreacher. Winky thinks Kreacher is bad elf, very bad elf, for Kreacher does not love his master. Please to keep Winky away from Kreacher. Winky loves her master, but Winky does not love Fanfictioneers.

Sincerely,

Winky

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

What?

Sincerely,

A character known as "Karkaroff's Aide," who seems to appear only in M-rated fics

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Who the hell am I?

Sincerely,

Ùrsula F.

* * *

><p>MAJOR CREDIT TO HORCRUXESANDHALLOWS, and her story, "Dear Writers of Fanfiction." It's brilliant.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Contrary to what you seem to believe, I don't go around bellowing "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" at all hours of the day and night. Also, it is spelled 'VIGILANCE.' No, seriously, it is. Furthermore, on the issue of spelling, is my name really that difficult? I mean, I might concede the point on 'Alastor,' but 'Moody'? And 'Mad-Eye'? I've known cats that could spell that. And no, I don't mean Minerva, so you can scrub your filthy little minds of that, too.

Sincerely,

Mad-Eye Moody

(Maddye-Mody, if that helps)

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I'm going to level with you; I was not permanently emotionally damaged by taking out Bellatrix. I was a little upset for a while, but I'm pretty much over it. I made some eggplant parmesan, felt much better. Oh, and do leave my children and their spouses alone. You all know the truth now, I'm very scary when it comes to them. I will end you. So just watch it.

Sincerely,

Molly Weasley

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I am not, nor have I ever been, a mentally healthy individual. Don't even try to fight me on that one. You really think I could have children and they'd be okay? The Mudblood's not my illegitimate lovechild. Drop it.

Sincerely,

Bellatrix Lestrange

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I'm a category? Why? I don't want to be here unless my pairing is with Scarfy.

Sincerely,

The Sorting Hat

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Look, I just teach Charms…I don't bother anybody…

Sincerely,

Filius Flitwick

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Okay, you know what? Fred and Ange went to one dance together when we were fifteen, and they both hated it. Angelina loves _me_, I'm not a "replacement," so deal with it!

Sincerely,

George Weasley

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I love sherry. Give me more of it. I don't need other characters. No pairings, stop the pairings. Give me the sherry.

Sincerely,

Sybil Trelawney

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

If Hermione punched Malfoy in the face, just what do you think I'd do to him? She's a lot nicer than I am. Keep him off of me.

Sincerely,

Ginny Weasley

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Dost thou not know the meaning of the phrase 'expository background information'? For such is our purpose, and our natural place in the order of things. We care not for thy sordid affairs. Prithee, leave us where our bones do lie mouldering.

Sincerely,

The Hogwarts Founders

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Wha's so hard abou' figurin' out the way I talk? Yeh have the books, don' yeh?

Sincerely,

Rubeus Hagrid

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Oh my wizard god, STOP! ONE TIME! One time, I might have been very, very drunk, and I may have made out with Filch. I didn't say I did, I said I might have. Shut up.

Sincerely,

Rolanda Hooch

**~xoOox~**

dR fanfiktunnarrs,

sTop fllameing prepzz OMFG i hat u awwl u r jut JeAlsous bcus imm goffik sojussShutt da f*** upp mofoS I haf a hedake.

cincurly,

Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (im nt rilatd 2 gerarddw ay)

* * *

><p>Mwahahaha I couldn't resist adding that last one in there... :) hehehe PLUS! Two AVPM jokes.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Fanfictioneers,

What you call 'comic relief' I call actual chains, thumbscrews, and bullwhips that I keep in my office and know how to use. Although, I'll admit, Rolanda's hot stuff. You can keep that up—OUCH!

Sincerely,

Argus Filch

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

No, seriously, I'm just a really nasty person, and I really freaking like it that way. No need to garner sympathy for me.

Sincerely,

Dolores Jane Umbridge

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Does the fact that I keep domestic peacocks not alert you that I'm a magnificently blatant narcissist? Why do you think I'm married to _Narcissa_? She loves herself as much as I love myself, and because of that we find each other to be damn attractive. Snape's a greaseball. We hung out in high school. Don't try to tell me you don't know a few people like that. What? You do? Oh, well then, you must be carrying on illicit extramarital affairs in the dead of night. What? You're not? HOW UTTERLY FASCINATING.

Sincerely,

Lucius Malfoy

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

No, my dears, I'm a very **good** man, just…a very bad wizard…

Sincerely,

Cornelius Fudge

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

A Very Potter Musical was a _joke_. I'm not in love with the Dark Lord, and he certainly isn't in love with me. Although, my Lord, if you see this, call me?

Sincerely,

Quirinius Quirrell

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Leave me here in this nice white room, please. I don't like the people you keep sending me to meet to get my memories back. Would you like an autograph?

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Aww. I love you guys! Thanks for taking care of my sweet baby boy.

Sincerely,

Nymphadora Tonks Lupin

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Look…can I just rest in peace? Give me Cho or leave me out of it.

Sincerely,

Cedric Diggory

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Oui, I am French, but zat does _not_ mean I speak Eenglish like a beeweeldaired house-elf.

Sincerely, Fleur Delacour

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Yes, I am a very sharp person. Yes, I do love it. No, you do not need to psychoanalyze me.

Sincerely,

Rita Skeeter

**~xoOox~**

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Now, listen to me very carefully. Albus likes his violet robes. I like finery. This does not a pairing make.

Sincerely,

Horace Slughorn


End file.
